As a devout supporter of Donald Trump and the MAGA movement, I voted for him because I knew he would address the issues that most impact my life.
I’m talking, of course, about militarily overtaking the largely inhospitable Danish territory of Greenland, renaming the Gulf of Mexico and outlawing windmills.
So you can imagine my delight when my hero, president-elect Trump, gave a press conference Tuesday and strongly addressed those crucial subjects, along with other things that matter deeply to REAL AMERICANS like me, including shower water pressure and making Canada part of the United States.
I voted for Trump for one reason: An American invasion of Greenland
U.S. President-elect Donald Trump makes remarks at Mar-a-Lago in Palm Beach, Florida, U.S. January 7, 2025. REUTERS/Carlos Barria
Refusing to rule out using the military to take control of Greenland, Trump, who I voted for because I knew he would keep us out of wars, said: “Well, we need Greenland for national security purposes. … People really don’t even know if Denmark has any legal right to it. But if they do, they should give it up.”
YES! I was predominantly a one-issue voter, and that issue was the exorbitant cost of seal meat. By threatening our ally Denmark and using military force if necessary, the Trump administration can proudly claim Greenland as a U.S. territory, dramatically lowering the cost of seal meat for American consumers like myself. That will allow me and my fellow MAGA supporters to affordably make Suaasat, a Greenlandic soup, AS IS OUR RIGHT AS AMERICANS!
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Some voters were concerned about egg prices. TRUE PATRIOTS were concerned about seal-meat prices. And Trump is on the case.
I am very worried about the name ‘Gulf of Mexico’
The soon-to-be president also announced a change that has been talked about for years in the rural diners I frequent with my fellow forgotten American men and women.
“We’re going to be changing the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America,” Trump said. “Gulf of America – what a beautiful name.”
President-elect Donald Trump announces the Gulf of Mexico will get a new name: the Gulf of America.
SO BEAUTIFUL! And also, so directly impactful on the quality of my day-to-day life. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to miss work because I was feeling down about having to give Mexico credit for that 218,0000-square-mile, semi-enclosed oceanic basin that I know was BUILT BY AMERICANS.
America for sure owns the Gulf of AMERICA, people!
As Trump said Tuesday: “We’re going to change, because we do most of the work there, and it’s ours.”
Damn straight it’s ours! Are you going to tell me that 200 million years ago when the Pangea supercontinent was breaking up there weren’t big, strong American workers causing tectonic plates to shift and form our beautiful gulf? Liberals probably wrote that in our history books, but thanks to voters like me, Trump will set the record straight.
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Finally, a president who hates windmills as much as I do
The greatest president in history, speaking from his Mar-a-Lago resort, went on to bless us with this: “We’re going to try and have a policy where no windmills are being built.”
Praise the lord! I know some in the MAGA community are more concerned about the economy, immigration and making life terrible for transgender people, but many of us picked Trump again because we abso-freakin’-lutely despise windmills.
See Don Quixote’s La Mancha
They are distracting and can easily be mistaken for giants, leading innocent Americans to tilt at them like the late, great Don Quixote used to do. (Hopefully, Trump will also soon announce that Don Quixote will be renamed “Don America.”)
MAGA voters wanted a president unafraid of Big Shower
Trump also addressed America’s shower-water-pressure crisis, saying: “When you buy a faucet, no water comes out because they want to preserve, even in areas that have so much water you don’t know what to do, it’s called rain, it comes down from heaven. No water comes out of the shower. It goes drip, drip, drip.”
Finally, we will have a president with the meteorological knowledge to identify that rain correctly comes from heaven. This is clearly the man best suited to handle America’s nuclear codes.
I’m sure Canadians will welcome America taking control of their country
Speaking of which, Trump also said he’d use economic force to annex Canada as America’s 51st state and “get rid” of the border, which he called an “artificially drawn line.”
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Amen, sir. I voted for a man who believes borders are crucial, except for that one. Don’t worry, Mexico, you’ll be fine.
I can’t wait to watch President-elect Trump continue to make all his supporters’ dreams come true.
As long as those dreams involve whatever he happens to be talking about on any given day.
MAGA!
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Trump wants to rename Gulf of Mexico. I’m all for it | Opinion
